When is it Time to De-friend an EX?

Ok, when I went to lunch today, I overheard a young lady talking to her girlfriend about why her boyfriend can't understand that her and her EX are just friends and there's nothing to be worried about....I had to laugh a little to myself and SMH. I'm sure most of us have been in or seen/heard of a situation like this at some point. You dated someone for a while....it didn't work out for whatever reason but for some reason you still consider each other friends. Now this in itself isn't necessarily a problem....but what if this friendship remains once once you've found someone new? Do we continue the friendship despite how your new boyfriend feels about it? Do you end the friendship because you're now in a relationship and your attention should only be on your significant other? Let's discuss.

I bring this topic up because it hits very close to home for me because I've been in this situation in the past. So what I'm going to do here is explain what "most" men are thinking when this type of situation presents itself. Now a lot of people won't understand or necessarily like what I'm saying on here....but again....this is my opinion....based upon what I've experienced.

So the first question that has to be asked is....Is staying friends with an EX a serious problem? Well that question can have multiple correct answers. If things end well (if that's possible) then maybe it's not such a big deal. But if things don't end well or the relationship was a "toxic" one (which we spoke about before) then it wouldn't exactly be a good idea to remain friends.

I hate to sound sexist by saying this, but it tends to be more women who remain friends with an ex....and the guys that these girls are remaining friends with....usually are remaining friends so that they may still eventually have a shot back into the girls heart or pants. I know it's crude....but most guys are crude by nature and really are that selfish. Men do look at situations for how they can play out in their favor and what they can get out of the situation.

So that's why when it comes to being the new boyfriend....and we find out that your EX is still calling or texting you....usually we have a problem with that. Even if we come right out and say it....we DO have a problem with it. And sooner or later, we're going to address it....and probably not in a way that you'd like. I've heard quite a few women ask why men get so "jealous" or "territorial" over an EX keeping in touch. Every woman I've ever heard say this....has followed that question up with....."Why is it a problem? We're just friends".....or "He doesn't even look at me like that anymore." I hate hearing those types of things....because as much as women claim to KNOW men and how they think.....ya'll really don't know as much as ya'll think you do. Any man who's been intimate with you, will (if given the opportunity) come back for seconds and thirds....and as many more helpings as he can....and if in the process is able to throw it in your new man's face that you still answer when he calls.....HE WILL!!! TRUST ME!!! I've been on both sides of the spectrum....I was the EX who kept in touch and called at times I knew she'd be with her new boyfriend and kept her on the phone long enough to aggravate the hell out of him....and I've also been on the receiving end where I was the new boyfriend getting aggravated!

To get back to the original question....

It's not wrong to remain friends with an EX if there's no one new in the picture....If you are not wifey to anyone....then you can and should be friends with whoever you please. The problem arises when you're in a new relationship and are trying to keep a friendship going with an EX at the same time. Everyone is going to hate me for this....but the two CAN NOT co-exist. EX's want you to still think about them and remember the good times ya'll had together. Basically, they want ya'll to forget the reason(s) why they're currently an EX and not your actual boyfriend. The want to still occupy your thoughts....when in reality that should only be reserved for your boyfriend. Right?

That's why this will always remain a problem. Guys will say anything to make sure to leave themselves an "opening" just in case later on down the road....they realize what a huge mistake they made by letting you go.....which nine times out of ten....they will realize that...once you've moved on and are in another relationship. And while guys are doing or saying whatever they need to, in order to leave that opening.....ya'll ladies continue to eat it up and think nothing of it...."he's just a friend who's trying to look out for me". That's an infamous line....that once it's been said.....can mark the beginning of the end. Because once someone starts excusing or justifying their communications with their EX....you may have crossed some irreparable lines.

Another thing to be on the lookout for is an EX who has advice for you about your new boyfriend and he's never even met the new guy. ANY time an EX tells you that he's not sure if this new guy is the one for you.....read between the lines ladies. He's basically telling you that this new guy isn't right for you....because I AM. Do not let a smooth talking EX make you forget why they're an EX to begin with.

If I seem pretty adamant about this subject....it's because I am. I was in this very situation before I got married and it infuriated me horribly because this guy that was my future wife's EX was hating on me....and lying on me to my wife....and the thing that pissed me off the most was that half the lies he told on me....my girl believed to some extent. Because he played that "I'm just a friend....trying to look out for you" card. All the meanwhile he's hating on me....although he'd never even talked to me....let alone met me. It took a while but I had to school my soon to be wife to what men are really doing when they know "the one" or "a good one" got away. She didn't initially want to believe me.....but in time her eyes were opened and she realized that he was a jackass....just as I said he was....and all he was trying to do was have her not marry me....because he didn't feel I was on his level.....although (if I can toot my own horn for a sec)...I lived on my own (he still lived with his parents)....I had a full-time job making REALLY GOOD money meaning my girl wouldn't have to work if she didn't want to (he was still in college), I had my own car and paid all my own bills (he still leaned on mommy and daddy to pay his bills)....SO HOW WAS I NOT ON HIS LEVEL? HE COULDN'T EVEN AFFORD TO BREATHE ON MY LEVEL!

That's what I'm saying ladies.....know when it's the end of the road for an EX! Don't let them keep a hold on your mind and have you thinking that maybe they are just looking out for you, because soon enough...that "looking out for you" is going to turn into them asking...."why aren't we together?"

The bottom line is that having friendships with EX's while in itself can be harmless (if the EX actually KNOWS they're an EX and that there won't be any reconciliation), it's still up in the air as to whether it's actually a good idea. Clear boundaries must be set in order for it to work out....and the feelings of your new boyfriend MUST be considered....just think....if his BIG-BOOTY EX is still cool with him and his mom and she still calls him all the time....don't you think it would bother you? Put yourself in his shoes is what I'm trying to say....if you wouldn't like it...then chances are he won't either. But even if it wouldn't matter to you....you should have enough respect for your current relationship to leave your EX in the past so that it won't mess up your future.

Remember....this is just my opinion....but I've been on both sides of the situation....and I've seen how this can/has played out in many other relationships....and things can usually go only a few different ways: 1) The new guy gets tired of having to fight for your attention and leaves, 2) You allow the EX to stay around for too long and before you know it....he's trying to take you out and get back into your heart/pants (whichever he's truly after)...or 3) The new guy confronts the EX about the amount of time you spend talking or texting and tells him it needs to stop....and the EX doesn't like being told what to do and takes offense to it....heated arguments follow and if their paths ever cross....a fight could be the ultimate outcome....and no one really wants that!

Choose your path wisely ladies....because remaining friends with an EX while single....could actually prove disastrous for your relationship yet to come. So with all that said.....KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME TO DE-FRIEND AN EX!

J. Earl Smith
@JSmith2523 on Twitter