I was talking to a co-worker the other day and she mentioned that while she was out grabbing a drink with one of her girlfriends, she saw a guy that caught her eye. So naturally, I asked did she say anything to him? Her response was one that I've heard many many times. "No, I don't approach guys....I think it should be up to a guy to approach a girl. I guess I'm just old fashioned like that."
Ladies what is this about? I don't understand this at all. It's shocking to me that in as we're about to enter 2010 there are still some women out there who deliberately choose not to approach a guy and then hide behind the idea that they're just "too old fashioned" to approach a guy, like we still live in the 1960's. Women have fought for so long to get equal rights and get rid of the idea that women belong at home in the kitchen instead of in the workplace.
It just amazes me how there are some women out there who feel that it's still solely a man's responsibility to approach a woman and show interest. How can you choose to be modernized in every other aspect of life except when it comes to interest in a guy?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but being "old fashioned" like that is part of the reason that these women are still single and hoping that "Mr. Right" just falls from the sky and lands on your couch....you have to be proactive. That means you can't always wait around for a guy to approach you.
Part of the problem is the way the media portrays a woman who's slightly aggressive. The media tends to paint a woman who initiates approaches a man, or ask for his number or asks him out, as extremely desperate, when that's not necessarily the case. Why is it that a woman is desperate if she sees a guy that she likes and acts on those feelings?
I personally see nothing wrong with a woman stepping up if she's interested in a man and openly acknowledging that. Now there are some who have no clue how to be subtle about this type of situation and are extremely too blunt, which in turn makes it seem like their biological clock is ticking. Be easy about it, don't rush into it, and try not to be too eager. If you can do that you'll find that approaching a guy really isn't that difficult.
Speaking from experience, it's always a nice change of pace to be approached by a woman. Sometimes guys ego's need to be stroked....and that is one good way to do that. Being totally honest with you, most men will be intrigued by the fact that you actually chose to approach us because it doesn't happen all that often. And if a man is intrigued by you....he's more likely to respond favorably to you.
You greatly increase your chances of meeting nice guys and potentially finding "Mr. Right" when you don't sit back and wait to be approached. Take the initiative to approach someone and you'll see that positive things can and eventually will happen.
I've been to that point where I've been tired of doing all the pursuing, even if I saw a girl that did catch my attention....I decided I just wasn't going to say anything. Most guys will or have gotten to that place at some point in time, mostly because guys get tired of doing the pursuing and having nothing sustainable come out of it. So ask yourself ladies isn't it about time to get in the game instead of sitting on the sidelines?
Perfect example of this........MY WIFE. We met through friends, and since I knew she knew people that were friends of mine, I was sure that I'd see her again...aka...there's no need for me to press her for her number right now. She approached me at the end of the night and said..."You were just going to leave without getting my number?" I took her number and gave her mine....but she caught me off guard and intrigued me at the same time. Now over five years after that night, we're approaching our four year anniversary (June 10, 2010).
I wrote this just to give you a little insight into a man's mind. Yes, men do get tired of doing all the pursuing, so give a guy a break for a chance and approach him. Try it out starting in 2010. My bet is, the fact that you approached him and showed interest, will win you points for being different than what he's used to and it'll start things off in a fresh new direction for both you and him.
Strive to implement this for 2010 and see how much more fulfilling things can be when you take a chance, get in the game and stop letting old antiquated thinking stop you from possibly meeting a really nice guy.
Here's to a Successful Relationship in 2010
J. Earl Smith
@Jsmith2523 on Twitter
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
When is it Time to De-friend an EX?
Ok, when I went to lunch today, I overheard a young lady talking to her girlfriend about why her boyfriend can't understand that her and her EX are just friends and there's nothing to be worried about....I had to laugh a little to myself and SMH. I'm sure most of us have been in or seen/heard of a situation like this at some point. You dated someone for a while....it didn't work out for whatever reason but for some reason you still consider each other friends. Now this in itself isn't necessarily a problem....but what if this friendship remains once once you've found someone new? Do we continue the friendship despite how your new boyfriend feels about it? Do you end the friendship because you're now in a relationship and your attention should only be on your significant other? Let's discuss.
I bring this topic up because it hits very close to home for me because I've been in this situation in the past. So what I'm going to do here is explain what "most" men are thinking when this type of situation presents itself. Now a lot of people won't understand or necessarily like what I'm saying on here....but again....this is my opinion....based upon what I've experienced.
So the first question that has to be asked is....Is staying friends with an EX a serious problem? Well that question can have multiple correct answers. If things end well (if that's possible) then maybe it's not such a big deal. But if things don't end well or the relationship was a "toxic" one (which we spoke about before) then it wouldn't exactly be a good idea to remain friends.
I hate to sound sexist by saying this, but it tends to be more women who remain friends with an ex....and the guys that these girls are remaining friends with....usually are remaining friends so that they may still eventually have a shot back into the girls heart or pants. I know it's crude....but most guys are crude by nature and really are that selfish. Men do look at situations for how they can play out in their favor and what they can get out of the situation.
So that's why when it comes to being the new boyfriend....and we find out that your EX is still calling or texting you....usually we have a problem with that. Even if we come right out and say it....we DO have a problem with it. And sooner or later, we're going to address it....and probably not in a way that you'd like. I've heard quite a few women ask why men get so "jealous" or "territorial" over an EX keeping in touch. Every woman I've ever heard say this....has followed that question up with....."Why is it a problem? We're just friends".....or "He doesn't even look at me like that anymore." I hate hearing those types of things....because as much as women claim to KNOW men and how they think.....ya'll really don't know as much as ya'll think you do. Any man who's been intimate with you, will (if given the opportunity) come back for seconds and thirds....and as many more helpings as he can....and if in the process is able to throw it in your new man's face that you still answer when he calls.....HE WILL!!! TRUST ME!!! I've been on both sides of the spectrum....I was the EX who kept in touch and called at times I knew she'd be with her new boyfriend and kept her on the phone long enough to aggravate the hell out of him....and I've also been on the receiving end where I was the new boyfriend getting aggravated!
To get back to the original question....
It's not wrong to remain friends with an EX if there's no one new in the picture....If you are not wifey to anyone....then you can and should be friends with whoever you please. The problem arises when you're in a new relationship and are trying to keep a friendship going with an EX at the same time. Everyone is going to hate me for this....but the two CAN NOT co-exist. EX's want you to still think about them and remember the good times ya'll had together. Basically, they want ya'll to forget the reason(s) why they're currently an EX and not your actual boyfriend. The want to still occupy your thoughts....when in reality that should only be reserved for your boyfriend. Right?
That's why this will always remain a problem. Guys will say anything to make sure to leave themselves an "opening" just in case later on down the road....they realize what a huge mistake they made by letting you go.....which nine times out of ten....they will realize that...once you've moved on and are in another relationship. And while guys are doing or saying whatever they need to, in order to leave that opening.....ya'll ladies continue to eat it up and think nothing of it...."he's just a friend who's trying to look out for me". That's an infamous line....that once it's been said.....can mark the beginning of the end. Because once someone starts excusing or justifying their communications with their EX....you may have crossed some irreparable lines.
Another thing to be on the lookout for is an EX who has advice for you about your new boyfriend and he's never even met the new guy. ANY time an EX tells you that he's not sure if this new guy is the one for you.....read between the lines ladies. He's basically telling you that this new guy isn't right for you....because I AM. Do not let a smooth talking EX make you forget why they're an EX to begin with.
If I seem pretty adamant about this subject....it's because I am. I was in this very situation before I got married and it infuriated me horribly because this guy that was my future wife's EX was hating on me....and lying on me to my wife....and the thing that pissed me off the most was that half the lies he told on me....my girl believed to some extent. Because he played that "I'm just a friend....trying to look out for you" card. All the meanwhile he's hating on me....although he'd never even talked to me....let alone met me. It took a while but I had to school my soon to be wife to what men are really doing when they know "the one" or "a good one" got away. She didn't initially want to believe me.....but in time her eyes were opened and she realized that he was a jackass....just as I said he was....and all he was trying to do was have her not marry me....because he didn't feel I was on his level.....although (if I can toot my own horn for a sec)...I lived on my own (he still lived with his parents)....I had a full-time job making REALLY GOOD money meaning my girl wouldn't have to work if she didn't want to (he was still in college), I had my own car and paid all my own bills (he still leaned on mommy and daddy to pay his bills)....SO HOW WAS I NOT ON HIS LEVEL? HE COULDN'T EVEN AFFORD TO BREATHE ON MY LEVEL!
That's what I'm saying ladies.....know when it's the end of the road for an EX! Don't let them keep a hold on your mind and have you thinking that maybe they are just looking out for you, because soon enough...that "looking out for you" is going to turn into them asking...."why aren't we together?"
The bottom line is that having friendships with EX's while in itself can be harmless (if the EX actually KNOWS they're an EX and that there won't be any reconciliation), it's still up in the air as to whether it's actually a good idea. Clear boundaries must be set in order for it to work out....and the feelings of your new boyfriend MUST be considered....just think....if his BIG-BOOTY EX is still cool with him and his mom and she still calls him all the time....don't you think it would bother you? Put yourself in his shoes is what I'm trying to say....if you wouldn't like it...then chances are he won't either. But even if it wouldn't matter to you....you should have enough respect for your current relationship to leave your EX in the past so that it won't mess up your future.
Remember....this is just my opinion....but I've been on both sides of the situation....and I've seen how this can/has played out in many other relationships....and things can usually go only a few different ways: 1) The new guy gets tired of having to fight for your attention and leaves, 2) You allow the EX to stay around for too long and before you know it....he's trying to take you out and get back into your heart/pants (whichever he's truly after)...or 3) The new guy confronts the EX about the amount of time you spend talking or texting and tells him it needs to stop....and the EX doesn't like being told what to do and takes offense to it....heated arguments follow and if their paths ever cross....a fight could be the ultimate outcome....and no one really wants that!
Choose your path wisely ladies....because remaining friends with an EX while single....could actually prove disastrous for your relationship yet to come. So with all that said.....KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME TO DE-FRIEND AN EX!
J. Earl Smith
@JSmith2523 on Twitter
I bring this topic up because it hits very close to home for me because I've been in this situation in the past. So what I'm going to do here is explain what "most" men are thinking when this type of situation presents itself. Now a lot of people won't understand or necessarily like what I'm saying on here....but again....this is my opinion....based upon what I've experienced.
So the first question that has to be asked is....Is staying friends with an EX a serious problem? Well that question can have multiple correct answers. If things end well (if that's possible) then maybe it's not such a big deal. But if things don't end well or the relationship was a "toxic" one (which we spoke about before) then it wouldn't exactly be a good idea to remain friends.
I hate to sound sexist by saying this, but it tends to be more women who remain friends with an ex....and the guys that these girls are remaining friends with....usually are remaining friends so that they may still eventually have a shot back into the girls heart or pants. I know it's crude....but most guys are crude by nature and really are that selfish. Men do look at situations for how they can play out in their favor and what they can get out of the situation.
So that's why when it comes to being the new boyfriend....and we find out that your EX is still calling or texting you....usually we have a problem with that. Even if we come right out and say it....we DO have a problem with it. And sooner or later, we're going to address it....and probably not in a way that you'd like. I've heard quite a few women ask why men get so "jealous" or "territorial" over an EX keeping in touch. Every woman I've ever heard say this....has followed that question up with....."Why is it a problem? We're just friends".....or "He doesn't even look at me like that anymore." I hate hearing those types of things....because as much as women claim to KNOW men and how they think.....ya'll really don't know as much as ya'll think you do. Any man who's been intimate with you, will (if given the opportunity) come back for seconds and thirds....and as many more helpings as he can....and if in the process is able to throw it in your new man's face that you still answer when he calls.....HE WILL!!! TRUST ME!!! I've been on both sides of the spectrum....I was the EX who kept in touch and called at times I knew she'd be with her new boyfriend and kept her on the phone long enough to aggravate the hell out of him....and I've also been on the receiving end where I was the new boyfriend getting aggravated!
To get back to the original question....
It's not wrong to remain friends with an EX if there's no one new in the picture....If you are not wifey to anyone....then you can and should be friends with whoever you please. The problem arises when you're in a new relationship and are trying to keep a friendship going with an EX at the same time. Everyone is going to hate me for this....but the two CAN NOT co-exist. EX's want you to still think about them and remember the good times ya'll had together. Basically, they want ya'll to forget the reason(s) why they're currently an EX and not your actual boyfriend. The want to still occupy your thoughts....when in reality that should only be reserved for your boyfriend. Right?
That's why this will always remain a problem. Guys will say anything to make sure to leave themselves an "opening" just in case later on down the road....they realize what a huge mistake they made by letting you go.....which nine times out of ten....they will realize that...once you've moved on and are in another relationship. And while guys are doing or saying whatever they need to, in order to leave that opening.....ya'll ladies continue to eat it up and think nothing of it...."he's just a friend who's trying to look out for me". That's an infamous line....that once it's been said.....can mark the beginning of the end. Because once someone starts excusing or justifying their communications with their EX....you may have crossed some irreparable lines.
Another thing to be on the lookout for is an EX who has advice for you about your new boyfriend and he's never even met the new guy. ANY time an EX tells you that he's not sure if this new guy is the one for you.....read between the lines ladies. He's basically telling you that this new guy isn't right for you....because I AM. Do not let a smooth talking EX make you forget why they're an EX to begin with.
If I seem pretty adamant about this subject....it's because I am. I was in this very situation before I got married and it infuriated me horribly because this guy that was my future wife's EX was hating on me....and lying on me to my wife....and the thing that pissed me off the most was that half the lies he told on me....my girl believed to some extent. Because he played that "I'm just a friend....trying to look out for you" card. All the meanwhile he's hating on me....although he'd never even talked to me....let alone met me. It took a while but I had to school my soon to be wife to what men are really doing when they know "the one" or "a good one" got away. She didn't initially want to believe me.....but in time her eyes were opened and she realized that he was a jackass....just as I said he was....and all he was trying to do was have her not marry me....because he didn't feel I was on his level.....although (if I can toot my own horn for a sec)...I lived on my own (he still lived with his parents)....I had a full-time job making REALLY GOOD money meaning my girl wouldn't have to work if she didn't want to (he was still in college), I had my own car and paid all my own bills (he still leaned on mommy and daddy to pay his bills)....SO HOW WAS I NOT ON HIS LEVEL? HE COULDN'T EVEN AFFORD TO BREATHE ON MY LEVEL!
That's what I'm saying ladies.....know when it's the end of the road for an EX! Don't let them keep a hold on your mind and have you thinking that maybe they are just looking out for you, because soon enough...that "looking out for you" is going to turn into them asking...."why aren't we together?"
The bottom line is that having friendships with EX's while in itself can be harmless (if the EX actually KNOWS they're an EX and that there won't be any reconciliation), it's still up in the air as to whether it's actually a good idea. Clear boundaries must be set in order for it to work out....and the feelings of your new boyfriend MUST be considered....just think....if his BIG-BOOTY EX is still cool with him and his mom and she still calls him all the time....don't you think it would bother you? Put yourself in his shoes is what I'm trying to say....if you wouldn't like it...then chances are he won't either. But even if it wouldn't matter to you....you should have enough respect for your current relationship to leave your EX in the past so that it won't mess up your future.
Remember....this is just my opinion....but I've been on both sides of the situation....and I've seen how this can/has played out in many other relationships....and things can usually go only a few different ways: 1) The new guy gets tired of having to fight for your attention and leaves, 2) You allow the EX to stay around for too long and before you know it....he's trying to take you out and get back into your heart/pants (whichever he's truly after)...or 3) The new guy confronts the EX about the amount of time you spend talking or texting and tells him it needs to stop....and the EX doesn't like being told what to do and takes offense to it....heated arguments follow and if their paths ever cross....a fight could be the ultimate outcome....and no one really wants that!
Choose your path wisely ladies....because remaining friends with an EX while single....could actually prove disastrous for your relationship yet to come. So with all that said.....KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME TO DE-FRIEND AN EX!
J. Earl Smith
@JSmith2523 on Twitter
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
A Mr. Right's Tips to finding Mr. Right
Ladies.....How's everybody doing today? Good I hope. Please don't take the title of this blog as arrogance on my part. I'm just stating my opinion of myself, because I believe that I do everything that a Mr. Right should do for his woman. None of what I'm about to say is gospel, this is just my opinion of what some women could do to find Mr. Right. It's aimed at helping any reader stimulate their minds to think about what they just read and see if it could have an impact for the better on their lives. So with that disclaimer said....here we go.
Tip #1
MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A LIFE!
This is an extremely important tip. You need to be Mrs. Right to attract Mr. Right. No man whether Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong is going to make you into a better person. Example: If you're not particularly diligent/hardworking, or you're extremely self-indulged or lazy....finding a guy who's everything you're not isn't going to transform you into his equal.
Work hard at changing your own character defects first. That's the first step. Only then will you be able to truly be deserving of finding Mr. Right. If you're unsure of what you may need to work on to better yourself....ask your mother or father....they'll be more apt to tell you the truth before friends. Once you figure out what exactly it is that you need to work on....actually start working on it....striving to become more well rounded. Try doing things that will make you a better person....finish getting your degree, volunteer with others that are less fortunate than you are, get professional counseling if there are some deep rooted problems that need to be addressed. The bottom line is this, you must first learn to be happy with yourself, you will only be happy in any new relationship if you are happy within yourself first.
Tip #2
BE REALISTIC WITH YOURSELF
In other words evaluate how attractive you truly are and look for someone on that level or slightly above. There aren't many people in everyday life that look like the models we all see in the magazines. If everyone looked like a model....there'd be no real work getting done in the fields of engineering, teaching, government, etc. We'd all be laying on a tropical beach getting our picture taken. (Doesn't sound too bad....but how realistic is that?) While we're not all models, we all do have something going for us. We just have to figure out what that is and accentuate/enhance it. Build our look around that outstanding quality/feature. This is not always easy because of the way the media makes us see ourselves. According to the media, everyone should have a size 2 waist (for women), size 30 (for men) with the body of a god/goddess. We all have to realistic and true to ourselves. Ladies, if your a size 12....don't try to be a size 6. There are some things that look great on size 6's, that are going to look hideous on size 12's. Accept yourself for who you truly are and dress accordingly.
This goes to both women and men.....Don't look down on yourself or assume that no one's going to want you because you're a certain size. There are people out there who like a little more meat on their partners. But just because there are people out there who have that preference, doesn't mean you can just let yourself go and not worry about it though either. You may not be able to be a size 2, but if you care for yourself and keep up your appearance....you can be a bigger person that catches eyes and turns heads. In other words, just because you're a bigger person....doesn't mean you can't be up on the latest fashions, get your hair, nails, toes done. Do all that to maintain yourself....the point is....no one wants a slob. People want to be proud of the person on their arm, not embarrassed, so take some pride in yourselves and take it up a notch. Carry yourself better and better opportunities will be presented to you.
Remember.....You're Worth It.
J. Earl Smith
@JSmith2523 on Twitter
knourworth@hotmail.com
www.smashwords.com/books/view/24495
Tip #1
MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A LIFE!
This is an extremely important tip. You need to be Mrs. Right to attract Mr. Right. No man whether Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong is going to make you into a better person. Example: If you're not particularly diligent/hardworking, or you're extremely self-indulged or lazy....finding a guy who's everything you're not isn't going to transform you into his equal.
Work hard at changing your own character defects first. That's the first step. Only then will you be able to truly be deserving of finding Mr. Right. If you're unsure of what you may need to work on to better yourself....ask your mother or father....they'll be more apt to tell you the truth before friends. Once you figure out what exactly it is that you need to work on....actually start working on it....striving to become more well rounded. Try doing things that will make you a better person....finish getting your degree, volunteer with others that are less fortunate than you are, get professional counseling if there are some deep rooted problems that need to be addressed. The bottom line is this, you must first learn to be happy with yourself, you will only be happy in any new relationship if you are happy within yourself first.
Tip #2
BE REALISTIC WITH YOURSELF
In other words evaluate how attractive you truly are and look for someone on that level or slightly above. There aren't many people in everyday life that look like the models we all see in the magazines. If everyone looked like a model....there'd be no real work getting done in the fields of engineering, teaching, government, etc. We'd all be laying on a tropical beach getting our picture taken. (Doesn't sound too bad....but how realistic is that?) While we're not all models, we all do have something going for us. We just have to figure out what that is and accentuate/enhance it. Build our look around that outstanding quality/feature. This is not always easy because of the way the media makes us see ourselves. According to the media, everyone should have a size 2 waist (for women), size 30 (for men) with the body of a god/goddess. We all have to realistic and true to ourselves. Ladies, if your a size 12....don't try to be a size 6. There are some things that look great on size 6's, that are going to look hideous on size 12's. Accept yourself for who you truly are and dress accordingly.
This goes to both women and men.....Don't look down on yourself or assume that no one's going to want you because you're a certain size. There are people out there who like a little more meat on their partners. But just because there are people out there who have that preference, doesn't mean you can just let yourself go and not worry about it though either. You may not be able to be a size 2, but if you care for yourself and keep up your appearance....you can be a bigger person that catches eyes and turns heads. In other words, just because you're a bigger person....doesn't mean you can't be up on the latest fashions, get your hair, nails, toes done. Do all that to maintain yourself....the point is....no one wants a slob. People want to be proud of the person on their arm, not embarrassed, so take some pride in yourselves and take it up a notch. Carry yourself better and better opportunities will be presented to you.
Remember.....You're Worth It.
J. Earl Smith
@JSmith2523 on Twitter
knourworth@hotmail.com
www.smashwords.com/books/view/24495
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Common Misconceptions About Men
Ladies.....I'm going to break the "man-code" a little bit and clue you all in on something. Ultimately, men want the same things in life & love as you do. Not everyone is going to agree with this or like what I have to say....but you can't please all the people all the time.
Men really do want the same things as women. They just tend to want them at a little different pace than women usually do. They say that women mature sooner than men do, and I'd have to agree with that. That's why it kills me when I see beautiful women involved in the game playing that young men (young in mentality) do. Men do want the same things, but we usually want them after we've gotten all the "play" out of our system. It's not really fair for us to ask a woman to wait for us to have all that "player" feel out of our system, but in essence that's what us men do on a regular basis.
It saddens me to see so many beautiful women saying there aren't any good men out there, when there are literally millions of them if you just look in the right places. Men may get mad at me for this but, you're typically not going to find Mr. Right or Prince Charming in a crowded club. This is one of the first mistakes that I see with people in general. Everyone thinks that the "movie scene" is going to literally come true for them. You all know what I mean....guy sees girl from across the club, their eyes meet, they drift toward each other, dance, kiss, and that night they fall in love and spend the rest of their lives together.
Let's get that misconception out of the way right now. Clubs are hunting ground to men, not a place where they're going to find true love. Men go to clubs for one of two reasons....1) They genuinely wanted to hear some good music or 2) They're looking for a girl they can have some "fun" with. Sad to say, but it's usually the latter. Men don't usually care about the music in a club, they go because that's where the women are. I can tell you from a lot of the guys I grew up with, most guys plans and intentions is to buy a girl drinks until she's tipsy enough to throw caution to the wind and make a bad decision and go home with them. Why do you think that most men in the club just come up behind a woman and start grinding on her? NO RESPECT!!!! But what do you expect from young minded individuals who's forethought goes no further than who they'll be taking home that night.
Ladies....is this the kind of guy you want? I don't think it is! However, that's what most women put up with consistently. (We'll discuss those types of men in depth in a future blog) If women would demand that they be respected, men would have no choice and would have to show more respect. And a more respectful man is always something that a lady would like to have. This is not to say that all men are like this currently.....but it is safe to say that at some point and time they were like this. So ladies what you need to do is go other places. Try meeting people in other public places. A lounge might be a better place to find a mature guy who's done with the game playing. Before anyone says it, lounges aren't the same as clubs. They're usually less crowded and the music isn't as loud, which can lend to better opportunities to hold conversation. Which is the best way to begin getting to know someone. My advice....ladies, leave the club for a while. They're cool for an eventful night out, but not ideal for finding/cultivating a relationship.
As I was saying before, men do want the same things. You just have to make sure that they're not young in mind. Notice I didn't say anything about their age. This is because age really doesn't mean anything. It's someones mentality that determines whether they're "too young" or not. I know plenty of people who were mature at 19/20 and ready for a committed relationship. I'm one of them....I'm almost 26 and have been happily married for almost 4 years now....meaning I got married at 22. People told me I was too young, but mentally I was ready. We've been committed for almost 6 years (we dated for 1 year and were engaged for 1 year before getting married) and neither of us has ever strayed....why? Because we both had the same mindset and were both mature and ready for that level of commitment.
Regardless of what guys say to their friends, deep down inside every guy want to have that special someone at some point in their life. Deep down inside every man fears being that "old creepy" guy in the club, who looks like he's still living in the 70's, trying to pick up 20 somethings. Seeing him is always the cure-all when we think we want to stay single.
Men do get bored going on date after date and not really feeling any connection. There's no substance there and that's what loses our attention another thing that causes us to lose interest is if we're allowed too much affection too soon. If a guy gets "it" on the first night....chances are he's not going to call you in the morning. Even though we say we will.....we won't because we have nothing more to aspire to with that girl. Guys like mystery, although we'll never openly admit it, we like when a girl plays hard to get. We like it when we have to work for a girl. In the infamous words of Tupac Shakur: "hate to sound sleazy, but tease me, I don't want it if it's that easy."
Guys get tired of telling the same old stories again and again to a new prospect. It's not a funny story after you've told it for the 30th, 40th, 50th time. That generic conversation gets quite boring and men, just like women....DO NEED and are looking for a deeper connection.
Most men really want to be monogamous, however, most of them don't have the intestinal fortitude to do so. The media portrays a "successful" man as living a flashy lifestyle and bedding many women and people feed into that as what the norm should be. Deep down inside though, most men don't agree with that stereotype and would actually prefer a serious committed relationship with one person that they can share their hopes and dreams with. It just takes more men to start standing up and acting on what they truly feel is right, and things just might take a turn for the better.
Most men do want families. They do want their name to live on, they do want to build a legacy, they do want children to carry on their names. Most men just don't want to start thinking about that as soon as they're in a relationship. It's not wrong to talk about it, at least to make sure you're both on the same page....but wait a little while before doing so. Talking about it too soon makes most men think that a woman's biological clock is ticking and that they'll be looking to get pregnant REAL soon.
Like I said before, a lot of people won't agree with everything I've said here. But that's their right. I'm just voicing my opinion and trying to help people wake up and realize the mistakes a lot of us make and the misconceptions we have about the opposite sex.
J. Earl Smith
@JSmith2523 on Twitter
Men really do want the same things as women. They just tend to want them at a little different pace than women usually do. They say that women mature sooner than men do, and I'd have to agree with that. That's why it kills me when I see beautiful women involved in the game playing that young men (young in mentality) do. Men do want the same things, but we usually want them after we've gotten all the "play" out of our system. It's not really fair for us to ask a woman to wait for us to have all that "player" feel out of our system, but in essence that's what us men do on a regular basis.
It saddens me to see so many beautiful women saying there aren't any good men out there, when there are literally millions of them if you just look in the right places. Men may get mad at me for this but, you're typically not going to find Mr. Right or Prince Charming in a crowded club. This is one of the first mistakes that I see with people in general. Everyone thinks that the "movie scene" is going to literally come true for them. You all know what I mean....guy sees girl from across the club, their eyes meet, they drift toward each other, dance, kiss, and that night they fall in love and spend the rest of their lives together.
Let's get that misconception out of the way right now. Clubs are hunting ground to men, not a place where they're going to find true love. Men go to clubs for one of two reasons....1) They genuinely wanted to hear some good music or 2) They're looking for a girl they can have some "fun" with. Sad to say, but it's usually the latter. Men don't usually care about the music in a club, they go because that's where the women are. I can tell you from a lot of the guys I grew up with, most guys plans and intentions is to buy a girl drinks until she's tipsy enough to throw caution to the wind and make a bad decision and go home with them. Why do you think that most men in the club just come up behind a woman and start grinding on her? NO RESPECT!!!! But what do you expect from young minded individuals who's forethought goes no further than who they'll be taking home that night.
Ladies....is this the kind of guy you want? I don't think it is! However, that's what most women put up with consistently. (We'll discuss those types of men in depth in a future blog) If women would demand that they be respected, men would have no choice and would have to show more respect. And a more respectful man is always something that a lady would like to have. This is not to say that all men are like this currently.....but it is safe to say that at some point and time they were like this. So ladies what you need to do is go other places. Try meeting people in other public places. A lounge might be a better place to find a mature guy who's done with the game playing. Before anyone says it, lounges aren't the same as clubs. They're usually less crowded and the music isn't as loud, which can lend to better opportunities to hold conversation. Which is the best way to begin getting to know someone. My advice....ladies, leave the club for a while. They're cool for an eventful night out, but not ideal for finding/cultivating a relationship.
As I was saying before, men do want the same things. You just have to make sure that they're not young in mind. Notice I didn't say anything about their age. This is because age really doesn't mean anything. It's someones mentality that determines whether they're "too young" or not. I know plenty of people who were mature at 19/20 and ready for a committed relationship. I'm one of them....I'm almost 26 and have been happily married for almost 4 years now....meaning I got married at 22. People told me I was too young, but mentally I was ready. We've been committed for almost 6 years (we dated for 1 year and were engaged for 1 year before getting married) and neither of us has ever strayed....why? Because we both had the same mindset and were both mature and ready for that level of commitment.
Regardless of what guys say to their friends, deep down inside every guy want to have that special someone at some point in their life. Deep down inside every man fears being that "old creepy" guy in the club, who looks like he's still living in the 70's, trying to pick up 20 somethings. Seeing him is always the cure-all when we think we want to stay single.
Men do get bored going on date after date and not really feeling any connection. There's no substance there and that's what loses our attention another thing that causes us to lose interest is if we're allowed too much affection too soon. If a guy gets "it" on the first night....chances are he's not going to call you in the morning. Even though we say we will.....we won't because we have nothing more to aspire to with that girl. Guys like mystery, although we'll never openly admit it, we like when a girl plays hard to get. We like it when we have to work for a girl. In the infamous words of Tupac Shakur: "hate to sound sleazy, but tease me, I don't want it if it's that easy."
Guys get tired of telling the same old stories again and again to a new prospect. It's not a funny story after you've told it for the 30th, 40th, 50th time. That generic conversation gets quite boring and men, just like women....DO NEED and are looking for a deeper connection.
Most men really want to be monogamous, however, most of them don't have the intestinal fortitude to do so. The media portrays a "successful" man as living a flashy lifestyle and bedding many women and people feed into that as what the norm should be. Deep down inside though, most men don't agree with that stereotype and would actually prefer a serious committed relationship with one person that they can share their hopes and dreams with. It just takes more men to start standing up and acting on what they truly feel is right, and things just might take a turn for the better.
Most men do want families. They do want their name to live on, they do want to build a legacy, they do want children to carry on their names. Most men just don't want to start thinking about that as soon as they're in a relationship. It's not wrong to talk about it, at least to make sure you're both on the same page....but wait a little while before doing so. Talking about it too soon makes most men think that a woman's biological clock is ticking and that they'll be looking to get pregnant REAL soon.
Like I said before, a lot of people won't agree with everything I've said here. But that's their right. I'm just voicing my opinion and trying to help people wake up and realize the mistakes a lot of us make and the misconceptions we have about the opposite sex.
J. Earl Smith
@JSmith2523 on Twitter
Monday, December 7, 2009
Know When It's the End of the Road!
This is the inaugural blog for me. This will be a weekly blog, but there will be times that a special post will be added earlier if there's something that I just really need to talk about. Let's get to our topic for this week.
Know when it' the end of the road!
It's unfortunate but to have to say this, but there does come a time in relationships when it may become necessary to sever ties with that particular person and move on with your life. Is this always the easiest decision to make....not at all, but sometimes making this hard decision now can save you a lot of heartache later. When are some of those times that this would be the wisest course of action?
1) The relationship isn't allowing any room for growth of either or both individuals as a person or one or the other person is being stifled.
2) Suspicion and jealousy have taken over the tone of the relationship.
3) Worry about the process of finding someone new if the relationship doesn't work out.
4) The relationship has gotten to a level of toxicity that makes the relationship irreparable.
A relationship is supposed to be give and take and improve/build each of the persons involved up to be the best possible person they can be. If a relationship doesn't bring out the best of you most of the time....chances are, it's not the right relationship. You shouldn't feel trapped in a relationship and you shouldn't feel like you can't be yourself either. We'll talk a little about feeling trapped or stifled in a relationship.
"Quicksand"
A stifling relationship is like being trapped in quicksand. The more you squirm and try to wriggle free, the tighter it squeezes you, pulling you deeper and deeper until there's nothing else that you can do and you just sink. In a similar sense, when someone is being smothered in a relationship they feel the same way as literal quicksand. They feel squeezed, pressured, even smothered. NO ONE WANTS TO BE SMOTHERED! We all like attention and affection, but no one wants to feel that they're wrong for not showing affection 24/7. It can't all be affection, there needs to be communication as well in order for a relationship to work. But there is a balance, a fine line if you will, that needs to be found when it comes to how much attention is given to your partner. You don't want to neglect them, but at the same time, you don't want them to feel that you're so needy that it's a turn off to them. Know when to back off a bit, in essence, throwing a life line to your relationship that the both of you can grab on to and pull yourselves out of the "quicksand".
"Jealousy"
A little bit of jealousy isn't necessarily a bad thing. It can show your true emotions and how much you truly care for your significant other and the relationship. No one can avoid being jealous in some fashion. Everyone has someone or something that makes them just a tad insecure in themselves. I have it too. However, we can't let those small insecurities in ourselves lead us to act suspiciously of our partners whenever they do anything. If someone hasn't given you a reason to be suspicious, then you need to check yourself and figure out why you can't just enjoy the relationship without doubting your partner's every move. Insecurities were a major downfall in a lot of relationships I've seen. People are insecure about their looks, their position in life, even questioning why their partner is actually with them. All of these things are of little consequence. Don't automatically start questioning why your partner is with you because they may not always voice their opinion....the time to start worrying is when they can't help but voice their opinion on things about you and it starts turning negative. Opportunities don't always present themselves to everyone....most of the time, people who are trying to be successful have to create their own opportunities and run with them....tie your running shoes tight and get running. If there's something about yourself that you don't like, do what you can to change it, but don't try to change it because you think someone else wants you to....you have to change for you, because only then will you be successful. If they don't like you for who you currently are, YOU DON'T NEED THEM!
"Worry"
If you've been with someone for a good amount of time and it just seems like the relationship isn't working in a positive direction, you know in your heart it's time to move on. The real question is....will you? All too often, people are worried about having to start from scratch and try to find someone new. That's why they're usually more apt to stay with in a relationship that doesn't fulfill their needs or make them happy because they feel going back into the dating world is daunting and too difficult a task.
Despite what those people who say "they're happy being single"....no one enjoys being alone, so it's very understandable why people would worry about standing alone facing any oncoming obstacles by themselves until they find someone who's worthy to stand by their side and face all problems together. People owe it to themselves to find and be with someone who's on their level, and who complements them in various ways. At some point we all have to come to the realization that "we're worth it". We're worth more than a useless relationship and a partner who wants us to have them as our priority, while we remain their option. We're worth more than occasional "I love you's" on the phone. You can't let fear cripple you from making a change that will ultimately be good for your growth in the future.
In these types of situations, you have to look out for yourself, because obviously the person you're with is more concerned about themselves. Granted, we all want a loving relationship where each person involved is looking out for the interest of the other person....therefore, each person's needs will nine times out of ten be met. However, it doesn't always happen that easy, and some times it takes a while for some of us to find that special relationship. The first thing we HAVE to do though set the example by loving yourself. Love for self sets the tone for most relationships, whether those be friendships or romantic relationships. Having love for yourself and having parameters of respect and love for yourself will force others to have love and respect for you as well. Remember, if you don't love yourself....who will?
"Toxicity"
What do I mean when I say a relationship has become "toxic"? "Toxic" relationships are those that have become dangerous to someone's health; this can be one's physical or emotional health. When physical violence or even the threat of physical violence become the everyday norm, that's when it's time to get out. One thing that people need to realize is that threats of violence or even emotional abuse usually escalate into physical violence at some point. Protecting one's well being is of the utmost importance. There are plenty of cases every year where people who are physically/emotionally abused but decide to stay with their partner because they "love" them. My question to that is, where was his/her love for you when they laid their hands on you or cussed you out in front of your friends or belittled you in front of your family?
These types of things can't be ignored because they are stepping stone actions that lead to worse behavior if left unchecked. No one should have to endure abusive behavior, I'm sure we've all seen how badly these things can escalate. I've seen it with people I grew up with, young girls in their teens, continually allowing the "love of their life" to hit on them, then apologize and act as if nothing happened. As a man, it disgusts me when I hear of a situation in which a woman has been physically assaulted by a man. It's reprehensible and shouldn't be tolerated. Those who act as cowards and put their hands on women....should be sent to jail and dealt with accordingly by their cell mate.
If you remember nothing else from this post, you must remember that it's your responsibility to love you. It's your responsibility to care for you. It's your responsibility to know when it's time to cut ties when a relationship isn't working and say this is the end of the road.
J. Earl Smith
@JSmith2523 on twitter
Know when it' the end of the road!
It's unfortunate but to have to say this, but there does come a time in relationships when it may become necessary to sever ties with that particular person and move on with your life. Is this always the easiest decision to make....not at all, but sometimes making this hard decision now can save you a lot of heartache later. When are some of those times that this would be the wisest course of action?
1) The relationship isn't allowing any room for growth of either or both individuals as a person or one or the other person is being stifled.
2) Suspicion and jealousy have taken over the tone of the relationship.
3) Worry about the process of finding someone new if the relationship doesn't work out.
4) The relationship has gotten to a level of toxicity that makes the relationship irreparable.
A relationship is supposed to be give and take and improve/build each of the persons involved up to be the best possible person they can be. If a relationship doesn't bring out the best of you most of the time....chances are, it's not the right relationship. You shouldn't feel trapped in a relationship and you shouldn't feel like you can't be yourself either. We'll talk a little about feeling trapped or stifled in a relationship.
"Quicksand"
A stifling relationship is like being trapped in quicksand. The more you squirm and try to wriggle free, the tighter it squeezes you, pulling you deeper and deeper until there's nothing else that you can do and you just sink. In a similar sense, when someone is being smothered in a relationship they feel the same way as literal quicksand. They feel squeezed, pressured, even smothered. NO ONE WANTS TO BE SMOTHERED! We all like attention and affection, but no one wants to feel that they're wrong for not showing affection 24/7. It can't all be affection, there needs to be communication as well in order for a relationship to work. But there is a balance, a fine line if you will, that needs to be found when it comes to how much attention is given to your partner. You don't want to neglect them, but at the same time, you don't want them to feel that you're so needy that it's a turn off to them. Know when to back off a bit, in essence, throwing a life line to your relationship that the both of you can grab on to and pull yourselves out of the "quicksand".
"Jealousy"
A little bit of jealousy isn't necessarily a bad thing. It can show your true emotions and how much you truly care for your significant other and the relationship. No one can avoid being jealous in some fashion. Everyone has someone or something that makes them just a tad insecure in themselves. I have it too. However, we can't let those small insecurities in ourselves lead us to act suspiciously of our partners whenever they do anything. If someone hasn't given you a reason to be suspicious, then you need to check yourself and figure out why you can't just enjoy the relationship without doubting your partner's every move. Insecurities were a major downfall in a lot of relationships I've seen. People are insecure about their looks, their position in life, even questioning why their partner is actually with them. All of these things are of little consequence. Don't automatically start questioning why your partner is with you because they may not always voice their opinion....the time to start worrying is when they can't help but voice their opinion on things about you and it starts turning negative. Opportunities don't always present themselves to everyone....most of the time, people who are trying to be successful have to create their own opportunities and run with them....tie your running shoes tight and get running. If there's something about yourself that you don't like, do what you can to change it, but don't try to change it because you think someone else wants you to....you have to change for you, because only then will you be successful. If they don't like you for who you currently are, YOU DON'T NEED THEM!
"Worry"
If you've been with someone for a good amount of time and it just seems like the relationship isn't working in a positive direction, you know in your heart it's time to move on. The real question is....will you? All too often, people are worried about having to start from scratch and try to find someone new. That's why they're usually more apt to stay with in a relationship that doesn't fulfill their needs or make them happy because they feel going back into the dating world is daunting and too difficult a task.
Despite what those people who say "they're happy being single"....no one enjoys being alone, so it's very understandable why people would worry about standing alone facing any oncoming obstacles by themselves until they find someone who's worthy to stand by their side and face all problems together. People owe it to themselves to find and be with someone who's on their level, and who complements them in various ways. At some point we all have to come to the realization that "we're worth it". We're worth more than a useless relationship and a partner who wants us to have them as our priority, while we remain their option. We're worth more than occasional "I love you's" on the phone. You can't let fear cripple you from making a change that will ultimately be good for your growth in the future.
In these types of situations, you have to look out for yourself, because obviously the person you're with is more concerned about themselves. Granted, we all want a loving relationship where each person involved is looking out for the interest of the other person....therefore, each person's needs will nine times out of ten be met. However, it doesn't always happen that easy, and some times it takes a while for some of us to find that special relationship. The first thing we HAVE to do though set the example by loving yourself. Love for self sets the tone for most relationships, whether those be friendships or romantic relationships. Having love for yourself and having parameters of respect and love for yourself will force others to have love and respect for you as well. Remember, if you don't love yourself....who will?
"Toxicity"
What do I mean when I say a relationship has become "toxic"? "Toxic" relationships are those that have become dangerous to someone's health; this can be one's physical or emotional health. When physical violence or even the threat of physical violence become the everyday norm, that's when it's time to get out. One thing that people need to realize is that threats of violence or even emotional abuse usually escalate into physical violence at some point. Protecting one's well being is of the utmost importance. There are plenty of cases every year where people who are physically/emotionally abused but decide to stay with their partner because they "love" them. My question to that is, where was his/her love for you when they laid their hands on you or cussed you out in front of your friends or belittled you in front of your family?
These types of things can't be ignored because they are stepping stone actions that lead to worse behavior if left unchecked. No one should have to endure abusive behavior, I'm sure we've all seen how badly these things can escalate. I've seen it with people I grew up with, young girls in their teens, continually allowing the "love of their life" to hit on them, then apologize and act as if nothing happened. As a man, it disgusts me when I hear of a situation in which a woman has been physically assaulted by a man. It's reprehensible and shouldn't be tolerated. Those who act as cowards and put their hands on women....should be sent to jail and dealt with accordingly by their cell mate.
If you remember nothing else from this post, you must remember that it's your responsibility to love you. It's your responsibility to care for you. It's your responsibility to know when it's time to cut ties when a relationship isn't working and say this is the end of the road.
J. Earl Smith
@JSmith2523 on twitter
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