From a Woman's Perspective

Usually on "You're Worth It", the information and views expressed are strictly from a males perspective, well today I've decided to do something different. For the first time (and definitely not the last), we're going to have a female weigh in on some of the subjects that we've discussed in the past. I'd like to introduce Jill J.


Jill J. is a well known Psychologist and Writer in the Atlanta area. For many years she’s worked with individuals and couples helping them to have strong and trusting relationships. Her work is diverse, in all areas of the community with many varied types of clients, all races, all levels of income and education. Jill is known for her directness and ability to get to the heart of the matter in a quick and efficient manner. Here she takes the time to share some personal insight:

1) How important do you feel it is for two people to be friends before they are romantically involved?

I think if there is chemistry it should be explored and developed before true intimacy becomes a part of the relationship. Many times people get themselves in trouble by mistaking lust for more than what it is and this often leads to unrealistic expectations and assumptions. Ideally, I think it’s possible to build a romance and a friendship at the same time but both parties have to be willing to contribute to the “building”.

2) What do you feel is the most important attribute to a successful relationship?

Bar none-Communication! I’m talking no holds barred open and direct communication.  You cannot have trust, affection, understanding, growth, or any vital characteristic of any authentic relationship without good communication. I’m talking communication where you can openly and honestly be yourself and express your true thoughts. Too many people, and I will generalize here…a lot of men, make the mistake of always being careful to tell their partner what they think their partner wants to hear. That always, always backfires in the end. If you have to wear kid gloves with the person you are with, guess what….Number One: You do NOT have an authentic relationship and Number Two: You are never going to be happy and will always feel resentful and frustrated. 

3) Do you feel it's someones responsibility to help boost their partner's self-esteem?

I do not think it is anyone’s responsibility to babysit anyone else’s ego.  I think if we truly love a person then “lifting them up” is something that comes naturally as part of our love for them.  I think we want to make them feel good and show them that we are proud of them, respect them and feel blessed to have them in our lives. That’s on the deepest level of love and if the love is real then this will happen without forethought or effort. Now as far as the silly stuff, i.e. “Does this make me look fat?” or “Was his bigger than mine?” I’m afraid you might not like what I have to say to that—Don’t ask those kind of questions if you don’t want to get your feelings hurt. Period.  All of us have insecurities and we always will but it is not healthy or realistic to think that anyone else can fix those for us or make them go away. If I am with you, I really want you to be stronger than that.  I’ll respect you more if you don’t ask those kind of questions.

4) Do you believe it's possible to place undue expectations on a new partner?

Yes I do. One of the biggest mistakes people make in a new relationship is bringing the garbage from their previous relationship with them and with that garbage also come the expectations of what is ideal. When we find a new person we want to see that ideal, we long to see that all of the things that were wrong with our previous Mr. or Ms. are all of the things that are right about our current one. Whether we want to admit it or not, many of us all base what we expect of our partner’s from what we grew up seeing in our parents or in the people who raised us. That’s why children of abused parents often pair with or marry abusers. It’s what they know. I think it’s healthy to outline expectations ahead of time. Certainly not the first few dates or even the first few months, but when you get to the point where you are assuming you’re exclusive with the other person it’s time to talk. Pay attention here- I said when YOU get to the point where YOU THINK you are exclusive”.  It’s important in any new relationship to monitor your own thoughts. Listen to the tape that’s playing in your head (not in  your heart and not in your pants) and you decide when it’s time to discuss expectations, boundaries, the future, etc.  Also, be willing to take time to examine your expectations, decide if they are realistic, if they are truly what you expect or are they just based on things that upset you in a past relationship that have nothing to do with your current situation. This is important for two reasons, once you know what you expect you can move forward authentically in a realistic way and also you may find that going forward could be a mistake. It’s always better to know sooner than later.

5) Do you subscribe to the reasoning "once a cheater, always a cheater"?
Yes and No. Yes because a it’s a proven fact that a person’s past behavior is the best indicator of what their future behavior will be. No because I believe that if the price is too high for someone, when it finally costs too much they can put that in the past and it can become a road they never want to go back down. That being said, I don’t think this happens very often but I have seen it and it’s a wonderful thing to witness; a person driven by that behavior turned into a person who’s disgusted by it.

6) In your opinion what's the difference between love & infatuation?

Love lasts, infatuation does not.  Love is internal, infatuation is external. Love comes from the inside out; infatuation comes from the outside in. They often feel the same and we confuse them as such.  Love sticks around regardless of what comes, infatuation does not. You can love someone and dislike them at the same time but you cannot be infatuated with anyone and feel dislike toward them at the same time. Once we feel that dislike, disgust, disillusionment we want to get away, we want to make a change. That’s how we know, it’s not true love. True love is a lot more accepting than infatuation.

7) Is it possible to have sex too soon in a relationship?

It depends on the goal. If you want long term, then build a friendship first. If you want just fun, it doesn’t matter. Make sure you and the other person involved agree on this before you act.

There you have if straight from a recognized and respected psychologist. I guess my opinions weren't that far off base!

I want to thank Jill J. for agreeing to this interview and making herself available to do it so quickly. Jill...you're awesome. Jill J. can be reached via Twitter: @IJCJ.

Hopefully, what you've read in this interview will help in you learn your true worth in your own relationships.

Remember...."You're Worth It".

J. Earl Smith

@JSmith2523 on Twitter

knourworth@hotmail.com

www.smashwords.com/books/view/24495

Interracial Relationships???

Can someone explain to me how it is that we're currently in 2011 and there are still people out here who feel that interracial dating is wrong?

I heard this brought up as an issue on a popular NY radio morning show. There was a young black woman who was being cheated on by her husband. The husband was cheating on his wife with a white woman and had fathered a little boy with her, while he and his wife had no children but were trying to start a family. Initially I really felt sorry for the wife who was being cheated on because her husband's extra marital affair had been going on for over two years. But my pity and compassion for the embittered wife quickly turned to dismay upon her reaction...not in anger, not toward her unfaithful husband but toward his mistress! And her anger wasn't simply from the heartbreak of being cheated on, her anger toward the woman took an ugly hateful turn toward being racially motivated.

Although obviously angry at the situation that she's been thrust into live on national radio, her responses were uncalled for. She insinuated that all "white girls" were whores (her words not mine) who'd have sex with anyone and that because white girls will give it up to anyone, it's a possibility that any of the black players on his football team could have fathered her child!

Now I understand that she's angry....but why turn it personal against the woman who's trying to inform you that your husband has been lying to you? Was it really necessary to say that she feels "all white girls" are whores, or that they all sleep around? Not in my opinion...because that just not true, and it's incredibly inflammatory to cast such a broad generalized stereotype about a certain race of people! Now the husband that was cheating, claimed that it was a one-time thing and that he doesn't have a relationship with the "alleged" mistress. So the mistress speaks up and says "so I don't matter...we were a one-time thing, how is that when I cook for you every other night? Without hesitation, the wife jumps in..."see, now I know you lying...white girls don't cook...they only good for you know."

That whole situation got me thinking...why are there some black people so opposed to dating outside of their own race/nationality? I've been in this debate with many a person and there's nothing logical that anyone can say as to why interracial dating is wrong! I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. Why continue spreading hatred and inequality through our society...isn't there enough of that already? I interviewed a few black women that very question and I was quite surprised by the reasoning behind some of their responses. There were quite a few who felt that interracial dating/marriage was wrong or inappropriate. While none of them could give me a good explanation of their feelings, most of them had some previous personal issue with a woman or women of a different race, or they were raised to think or feel a certain way. Now me personally, I see absolutely nothing wrong with interracial dating/marriage. And when I brought up that point to these various ladies, they all responded by saying that my opinion didn't count because I married a black woman. While that is true, that's not to say that I've never dated a woman of another race. The last serious girlfriend I had before I met my wife was Italian. And there were a slew of other nationalities that I've dated in the past. I guess it's just the way I was raised. My mom instilled in me the mentality that no one is better than someone else because of their gender, race, or background! While, yes, I married a black woman, I didn't marry her because she was black, I married her because she's the woman I fell in love with. If the aforementioned Italian girl hadn't had so many emotional and family problems and wasn't looking to me to be some kind of knight in shining armor to come rescue her, who's to say that I wouldn't have fallen in love with her and things wouldn't have worked out differently.

Anyway, as I previously stated, we're in 2011. This is not 1960's Mississippi where even common amenities are segregated. Blacks and women can vote, women aren't strictly meant to be housewives, and hey there's even a black president! So if time has seen those things come to an change for the better...isn't it about time to get rid of this absolutely asinine mode of thinking that people should only date or marry within their own race?

Remember....."You're Worth It"

Find me @JSmith2523 on Twitter
www.learntoknowurworth.blogspot.com
www.smashwords.com/books/view/24495